Not having a whole lot to say right now, plus I DO have work to do, I thought I would post something that is from possibly the funniest site I've ever seen on the internet. If you haven't been to ZeFrank.com, I suggest you visit. It's a scream.
1. Use a husky, dirty phone sex voice but ask normal questions about the proposed offer.
“Is it a low interest rate? mmmmm…I like low interest rates…really low…”
2. In an outrageously excited tone: “Thank god you called!!!” Explain that an online psychic told you that your future lover would randomly call disguised as an asshole.
3. Say you are hard of hearing and see how loud they will shout into the phone.
4. Allow the telemarketer to fully explain his offer. When he is finished explain that his company hired you to randomly spot check telemarketers on their performance. Tell him that he did a good job overall, but that he is a bit monotone and needs to fluctuate his tone of voice more to sound convincing. He also should pause longer between sentences, and more clearly pronounce the letter “s”. Tell him you won’t report him if he repeats his speech to you with the appropriate corrections. Repeat.
5. Be incredibly polite as they explain their offer, but make farting noises once in a while and ask whether there is something wrong with the connection.
6. In an annoyed tone cut the telemarketer off mid sentence : “Dan, stop screwing around…we have to get rid of this body fast, did you find a chainsaw or not?”
7. “Congratulations! You’re the 100th caller on the (insert local radio station) Sweet Vacation Giveaway Blast Marathon. You’ve just won a pair of tickets to Negril, Jamaica and the use of Sean Paul’s celebrity vacation house.” Take down her address and send her all of your L.L.Bean catalogues for the rest of your life...after you use them as liner for your cat’s litter box.
8. Flirt.
9. Keep repeating, “I knew you were going to say that…”
10. Stutter on a syllable of an obvious word in a sentence… see how long it takes before he completes the phrase. When he does, get upset, and say “That really hurts my fee…fee… fee… fee…feel…fee… fee… fee…” ad infinitum.
11. Pee on the phone while he’s talking.
12. Mid pitch, stop him and complement him on his wonderful voice. Explain that you are a voiceover scout and might have a breakthrough commercial job for him. Ask if he wouldn’t mind doing a quick test. Ask him to say in a deep husky voice “May cause dizziness, diarrhea, vomiting and shortness of breath. A small number of participants in a recent clinical trial experienced weight loss, irregular clotting, abnormally frequent and/or painful urination and hair loss. Results may vary”
13. Ask how much it would take to get him to stop working as a telemarketer. Start at $1000. Say you are dead serious.
14. Ask if he will be your friend if you sign up.
15. Tie obscure facts about Barbara Streisand to everything thing he says,, “2.3% interest rate? oh my…did you know Barbara was 23 when she filmed Funny Girl…”
16. Every few minutes repeat, “You’re going to have to bear with me, I have a slight short term memory loss problem…who is this again?”
17. “Oh my god, I used to have your job…does Bob still work there (repeat names until you find a match)…which building are you in?” Escalate coincidence until you both realize that you sat in the same chair. Explain that you had to quit work when your genitals mysteriously vanished.
18. Regardless of the offer tell him you’ll take 7. If he asks what you mean say he drives a hard bargain and you’ll take 9, but that’s as far as you’ll go.
19. Every half-minute ask him to hold and pretend to scream at your invalid mother. “You want to use the bathroom??? Well stop whining and get up out of the wheelchair for a change. You just sit there and think about that for a while, mother. Can’t you see I’m on the damn phone?”
20. Forgive him. Tell him you did. Over and over again, until he hangs up. Then secretly take it back.
7.08.2005
7.07.2005
07.07.05 Teaching our son to swim...
Day 1
We have 2 boys, one is almost 12, the other is 5. We also own a pool. Our 5 year old has been in a pool before, my sister-in-law has an inground pool where my son can go in at his own pace. He seems to enjoy it and does not show much fear. Our pool, on the other hand, is an above ground pool where he can most likely touch the bottom of the pool, but he will not go in it. So we decided to take him to swimming lessons. Let the 'fun' begin. The first night, he was all jolly and skipping down the hallway at the middle school in our town where they have an indoor pool and the lessons are given. Once we got to the pool area, he froze like a deer in the headlights. He refused to even put on the inflatable 'swimmies' on his arms. We tried to reason with him to no avail. I was so frustrated, I felt like giving him his 'final exam' and hurling him into the pool like a drunken Austrailian at a dwarf tossing competition.
Needless to say, I did not do this. I did what most men would have done. I went into the locker room, clenched my fists, silently SCREAMED, and let my wife deal with him. I returned about 45 seconds later to try to talk reason with him. If anyone has tried to talk reason to a 5 year old, they would know that it's not always easy. So, we wound up packing everything up and going home defeated.
Day 2
I took our son by myself to try it again. We told him that if he goes every night and gives it his best shot, we will buy him a game for his Game Boy. He seemed to like this idea so off we went. We got to the pool and he put on his swimmies and I went off to the sidelines. He started to panic. I kept eye contact with him and he seemed to calm down. All of the other kids were in the water while he sat by the side. The young girl who was one of the instructors kept on trying to win his confidence. She was taking a sponge and wetting it and dripping it on him. Then he would take the sponge and wet it and drip in on her, and throw it at her too. Watching their exchange, I couldn't help but think of Jane Goodall working with the chimpanzees and the sponge was a banana. He still did not go in the pool. To finish off the night, all of the kids were lined up against the wall and they would go, one after the other, and jump into the arms of an instructor. He was, of course, the last to go and they had to pry his hands off of the pipe that ran along the wall. They then slowly placed him in the water into the arms of an instructor. I went to greet him and gave him a big hug and told him how proud I was of him. He told me he was scared, but I assured him he would be alright and it's normal to be afraid. I then bought him some Pop Tarts and we went home.
Tonight is our 3rd night.
I can hardly wait...
We have 2 boys, one is almost 12, the other is 5. We also own a pool. Our 5 year old has been in a pool before, my sister-in-law has an inground pool where my son can go in at his own pace. He seems to enjoy it and does not show much fear. Our pool, on the other hand, is an above ground pool where he can most likely touch the bottom of the pool, but he will not go in it. So we decided to take him to swimming lessons. Let the 'fun' begin. The first night, he was all jolly and skipping down the hallway at the middle school in our town where they have an indoor pool and the lessons are given. Once we got to the pool area, he froze like a deer in the headlights. He refused to even put on the inflatable 'swimmies' on his arms. We tried to reason with him to no avail. I was so frustrated, I felt like giving him his 'final exam' and hurling him into the pool like a drunken Austrailian at a dwarf tossing competition.
Needless to say, I did not do this. I did what most men would have done. I went into the locker room, clenched my fists, silently SCREAMED, and let my wife deal with him. I returned about 45 seconds later to try to talk reason with him. If anyone has tried to talk reason to a 5 year old, they would know that it's not always easy. So, we wound up packing everything up and going home defeated.
Day 2
I took our son by myself to try it again. We told him that if he goes every night and gives it his best shot, we will buy him a game for his Game Boy. He seemed to like this idea so off we went. We got to the pool and he put on his swimmies and I went off to the sidelines. He started to panic. I kept eye contact with him and he seemed to calm down. All of the other kids were in the water while he sat by the side. The young girl who was one of the instructors kept on trying to win his confidence. She was taking a sponge and wetting it and dripping it on him. Then he would take the sponge and wet it and drip in on her, and throw it at her too. Watching their exchange, I couldn't help but think of Jane Goodall working with the chimpanzees and the sponge was a banana. He still did not go in the pool. To finish off the night, all of the kids were lined up against the wall and they would go, one after the other, and jump into the arms of an instructor. He was, of course, the last to go and they had to pry his hands off of the pipe that ran along the wall. They then slowly placed him in the water into the arms of an instructor. I went to greet him and gave him a big hug and told him how proud I was of him. He told me he was scared, but I assured him he would be alright and it's normal to be afraid. I then bought him some Pop Tarts and we went home.
Tonight is our 3rd night.
I can hardly wait...
7.06.2005
07.06.05 - On Hold.......
Well, I was all psyched up for starting with the chemo today, but I am still waiting on my insurance to basically see if I am 'sponge worthy'. It's absurd because it is an FDA approved drug for what I have.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM???
on a separate note, this was an actual phone conversation with a receptionist at my Doctor's office about 2 weeks ago. (to defend my Dr, I do think this receptionist was subbing while the 'normal people' were out to lunch)
me: Hello, I have an appointment to have a scan at 1275 York Ave, NYC on Saturday. Could you please tell me what the cross street is?
receptionist: Yes what is your name?
me: Phil XXXXXX
receptionist: Could you repeat that?
me: sure, Phil XXXXXX
receptionist: How do you spell that?
me: P-h-i-l--X-X-X-X-X-X
receptionist: When is your birthday?
me: 9/28/57
receptionist: could you repeat that?
me: 9/28/57
receptionist: Okay, please hold....
2 minute pause.......
receptionist: Yes, it's at 1275 York Ave
me: CLICK! (I was able to find the cross street but with no help at all from her)
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM???
on a separate note, this was an actual phone conversation with a receptionist at my Doctor's office about 2 weeks ago. (to defend my Dr, I do think this receptionist was subbing while the 'normal people' were out to lunch)
me: Hello, I have an appointment to have a scan at 1275 York Ave, NYC on Saturday. Could you please tell me what the cross street is?
receptionist: Yes what is your name?
me: Phil XXXXXX
receptionist: Could you repeat that?
me: sure, Phil XXXXXX
receptionist: How do you spell that?
me: P-h-i-l--X-X-X-X-X-X
receptionist: When is your birthday?
me: 9/28/57
receptionist: could you repeat that?
me: 9/28/57
receptionist: Okay, please hold....
2 minute pause.......
receptionist: Yes, it's at 1275 York Ave
me: CLICK! (I was able to find the cross street but with no help at all from her)
7.05.2005
Astrologer Sues NASA Over Comet Probe
MOSCOW - Marina Bai has sued the U.S. space agency, claiming the Deep Impact probe that punched a crater into the comet Tempel 1 late Sunday "ruins the natural balance of forces in the universe," the newspaper Izvestia reported Tuesday. A Moscow court has postponed hearings on the case until late July, the paper said.
(the rest of the story) http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050705/ap_on_fe_st/russia_comet_case
(the rest of the story) http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050705/ap_on_fe_st/russia_comet_case
07.05.05 Thought for the Day
If it weren't for cancer, I'd say I have the perfect life.
If it weren't for cancer, would I even realize this?
If it weren't for cancer, would I even realize this?
7.04.2005
07.04.05 Happy 4th of July
Well, Happy Birthday America! This year, actually, just about 2 weeks ago, I finally bought an American flag. For some reason I have always wanted to have one. I kind of remember having one as a kid, but I don't think we had it on the house for that long. Then, when I had my own apartment, I did have a kite flag. It was pretty cool. I lived over a store in a main street in a nice town in NJ. I was right over an oriental gift shop. As an advertisement for the owner of the store, I used to fly this cool fish flag that had about a 20 foot tail. I also had a Gumby flag, but never an American Flag. I got married, then moved into a 2 family house and still no flag. Then, 2 years ago, we bought a house or our own. It's no mansion by any means, but there are 3 bedrooms and a good sized basement that we are in the process of fixing up for the kids, a nice yard, a quite dead end street ( a private street which means a dirt road!) and we also have an above ground swimming pool (another thing I always wanted) that is about 30 years old. But the cool thing with that is that it is right off of our deck, so it kind of gives the illusion of being built in because you do not have to climb into it to get in. It's 12 x 24 x 4 deep. Just enough. and the water temp has been about 84 degree, thanks to our solar cover so I am able to swim every morning and night. I seem to be in there an awful lot as of late. But back to the flag. Since we now have a house I was able to buy a flag for it. I'm not a flag waving American by any means, but I am very proud to be an American and I wouldn't trade it for anything (maybe New Zealand). Now for some reason, I am getting on the subject of flag burning. I don't think it's right to burn the flag, but I think it is very wrong for congress to be passing an amendment to prohibit the burning of the flag. It goes against what America stands for - freedom of speech. So there, I said it. I started to get into a discussion with a neighbor about this, a lose/lose one so I dropped it. He also can't figure out why flowers that are called annuals have to be replanted every year. He thinks an annual comes up every year. I used to wonder why they said someone went insane. If you are 'normal' you are called sane. If you are 'insane' wouldn't that be in the realm of being sane? Shouldn't it be called 'outsane'? But enough of that, I'm starting to sound rather outsane myself! Today was a gorgeous day in NY state. Clear and low humidity. My wife had to play at a wedding (she's a violinist) and our older son is at camp. So I took my 5 yr old out to play mini golf.
He really enjoys going to this place. It is very nice. I ran into the mother of one of my older son's new friends. I met her one time before, but we talked that day for about an hour. She's a real nice person. She is involved with cancer patients and is herself a survivor of cervical cancer. We had spoken about cancer the first time we met, it was rather odd because I didn't know her and usually don't just start talking about it. But she asked how my tests went and said she wanted to call us to see how things were, but felt awkward since we only met once. At any rate, I mentioned that I am playing the insurance waiting game to see if I'm covered for the medication and that it costs something ridiculous like $12, 000 per month for it. She mentioned having a fund raiser for us. I said no way and I'm sure insurance will cover it, but what a nice gesture. Then since her son and our son get along very well and they have a daughter about my younger son's age, we talked about dropping our kids off at each others house so we can get out to the movies with our spouses. I thought that was way cool. My sister in law lives 1/2 mile up the street and it like pulling teeth to have them watch our kids (Who get along great with her kids). We also offer all of the time to watch their kids so they could go out, but they are having major relationship issues and that is another blog. Well this is a rather rambling blog. No funny little stories or anything, just sort of a slice of life for the day. I'm off again Tuesday and hope to kayak again at 5:30 am and then swim and have coffee at the pool. It's off to the city on Wednesday for my first chemo.
The loser of the golf game had to buy the winner an ice cream!
He really enjoys going to this place. It is very nice. I ran into the mother of one of my older son's new friends. I met her one time before, but we talked that day for about an hour. She's a real nice person. She is involved with cancer patients and is herself a survivor of cervical cancer. We had spoken about cancer the first time we met, it was rather odd because I didn't know her and usually don't just start talking about it. But she asked how my tests went and said she wanted to call us to see how things were, but felt awkward since we only met once. At any rate, I mentioned that I am playing the insurance waiting game to see if I'm covered for the medication and that it costs something ridiculous like $12, 000 per month for it. She mentioned having a fund raiser for us. I said no way and I'm sure insurance will cover it, but what a nice gesture. Then since her son and our son get along very well and they have a daughter about my younger son's age, we talked about dropping our kids off at each others house so we can get out to the movies with our spouses. I thought that was way cool. My sister in law lives 1/2 mile up the street and it like pulling teeth to have them watch our kids (Who get along great with her kids). We also offer all of the time to watch their kids so they could go out, but they are having major relationship issues and that is another blog. Well this is a rather rambling blog. No funny little stories or anything, just sort of a slice of life for the day. I'm off again Tuesday and hope to kayak again at 5:30 am and then swim and have coffee at the pool. It's off to the city on Wednesday for my first chemo.
The loser of the golf game had to buy the winner an ice cream!
7.03.2005
07.03.05 Crazy...
Shit, have family over, everyone's driving me nuts today. I think I'm just starting to freak a little. Damn I wish I could have a brew...
07.03.05 - The Past Few Days...
This was how I started my Friday,
I took a nice 2 mile kayak ride,
then came home for a good swim.
I took a nice 2 mile kayak ride,
then came home for a good swim.
