How Much?

This morning my wife was getting ready to take a bath. I walked into the bathroom and she was standing naked on the bathroom scale. I asked her "How much...?" She gave me a look like I was propositioning her. I finished the sentence with "... do you weigh? She said 100 with no clothes, 105 with clothes. I went to the bank today to take out $100 just in case...

I'M ONLY MADE OF PARTS

Oil Man:
When an old man’s droolin’ spittle
And loose around the middle,
And with a worn out heart.
It’s because they keep exhumin’,
To the point that I’m inhuman,
And I’m only made of parts.

On a bender, I go mental,
I’m less than continental,
Disregarding life and art,
I defend the broken arrows,
As a boy I shot at sparrows,
Now I’m only made of parts.

For a fee, I’d drain the sea,
To pump the oil below…
Dubithy: Wherefore art thou, Conoco?
Oil Man: An oily teat… light and sweet!

Just to stop the drills transocean,
heresy, commotion,
I think I’d fall apart.
I say bung, I’m the skipper,
Are you shocked, a double dipper?
For a war I’ve got to start!

Public Service Announcement...

Gentlemen (and Ladies) : I am writing to you to warn you of something that happened to me as I am a victim of the latest scam at a mall while shopping. This happened at the Garden State Plaza Mall and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works. Two good looking twenty-something year old women come to your car as you are leaving the mall while your are placing your packages on the floor of the frontseat. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex while the other comes to your window saying "Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you for a ride to the Paramus Park Mall. When you agree and tell them to sit in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other in the back seat. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts to perform oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.
Be careful......

Late Nite Jokes

"Vice President Cheney is on an extended tour of the Middle East. They love him over there. He's known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia."
--DAVID LETTERMAN

"A new study has found that 3 million Irish men can trace their ancestry back to just one man. In his defense, the man said he'd been drinking."
--CONAN O'BRIEN

Da Bomb School

This was an actual Email

I honourable of scattering a saint the nunnishly is ager She section was lying of jostled it controversial meat Me unfamiliarity opinion is rain' of enfeebled a summon A beautiful the amid pestering it court she politely You ground of rules the either and officers or enforced Not microscopically you ancient and undertones me limping turbans No obvious is penname this sympathy of haughty the beaten If plump we tents of superiors a plugins is gent An electricbell me chilled you alive she navigable arrive Have rooted could of sparsely it involuntary was rustleWas then? not flickering countryman a troubled? or around And inquire lats is magic of lowlying an colder.

At the end of this, they tried to sell me viagra. I was so aroused by the end of reading this I didn't need any

This Taint For Everyone.....

	If the movie doesn't play, you can try this link or right click it and save to the desktop.

Funny, I Don't Feel a Day Over 17,500...

Birthday Calculator

You entered: 9/28/1957
Your date of conception was on or about 5 January 1957 which was a Saturday.

You were born on a Saturday under the astrological sign Libra.
Your Life path number is 5.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2436109.5.
The golden number for 1957 is 1.
The epact number for 1957 is -1.
The year 1957 was not a leap year.
The year 1957 was the Chinese year of the Rooster
The date of Easter on your birth year was Sunday, 21 April 1957.
The date of Ash Wednesday (the first day of Lent) on your birth year was Wednesday 6 March 1957.
The date of Whitsun (Pentecost Sunday) in the year of your birth was Sunday 9 June 1957.
The date of Whisuntide in the year of your birth was Sunday 16 June 1957.
As of 1/18/2006 3:49:12 PM EST You are 48 years old.
You are 580 months old.
You are 2,521 weeks old.
You are 17,645 days old.
You are 423,471 hours old.
You are 25,408,309 minutes old.
You are 1,524,498,552 seconds old.
Your age is the equivalent of a dog that is 6.90567514677104 years old.
(You're still chasing cats!)
There are 253 days till your next birthday on which your cake will have 49 candles
Those 49 candles produce 49 BTUs, or 12,348 calories of heat
(that's only 12.3480 food Calories!) .
You can boil 5.60 US ounces of water with that many candles.
In 1957 there were approximately 4.0 million births in the US.
In 1957 the US population was approximately 150,697,361 people, 50.7 persons per square mile.
In 1957 in the US there were approximately 1,667,231 marriages (11.1%) and 385,144 divorces (2.6%)
In 1957 in the US there were approximately 1,452,000 deaths (9.6 per 1000)
Your birthstone is Sapphire
The Mystical properties of Sapphire
Though not meant to replace traditional medical treatment, Sapphire is used for clear thinking. Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)
Agate, Moonstone, Lapis Lazuli
Your birth tree is Hazelnut Tree, the Extraordinary Charming, undemanding, very understanding, knows how to make an impression, active fighter for social cause, popular, moody and capricious lover, honest and tolerant partner, precise sense of judgement.

3 things MEME

I've been tagged folks by Yoda for a wonderful MEME :-)

"The rules are simple: now that you have been busted, you must confess to 3 things that you do that others don't know about."

This is very difficult for me, I have pretty much spilled my guts about everything to everyone. I mean, I could talk about the time I satisfied 5 women at one time (All I did was left the room) or the times I got rid a a fierce beast that invaded my son's room (a mouse made it's way upstairs when we first bought our house) but I have decided on these:

1) I hate puke. The thought of it makes me want to, well, puke. I can clean up baby/kid poop with little or no problem, well in all honesty, I'm not a big fan of poop but barf is just plain old gross. I have pretended to be asleep when one of the boys puked and did not get up to help Dana.

2) I hate to clean out the food strainer in the kitchen sink. I don't like food that has been sitting in water and is all gross. For some reason I imagine that I have to eat the food. I think, well...I can see being in a situation like a prison camp or starving in the woods and I'll have to eat something like that and I probably would think that it was a treat. Yuck!

3) Even at age 48, I still sometimes think there is a boogie man living in our basement. Really I think he still lives in my Mom's basement but he has a subcontractor that lives in our basement.

So misery loves company. I have tagged the following people.
Dakota
Cherish
Schprock
As Yoda and Paula said ... if any of you didn't do the meme, I'd totally understand.

The Guitar Marathon450 Years Of Spanish Guitar

Pepe Romero - Guitarist Celebrated worldwide for his thrilling interpretations and flawless technique, guitarist Pepe Romero is constantly in demand for his solo recitals and performances with orchestra. His contributions to the field of classical guitar have inspired a number of distinguished composers to write works specifically for him, including Joaquín Rodrigo, Federico Moreno Torroba, Rev. Francisco de Madina, Lorenzo Palomo and Celedonio Romero.
Born on March 8, 1944, in Málaga, Spain, Pepe Romero is the second son of "The Royal Family of the Guitar", The Romeros. His father, the legendary Celedonio Romero, was his only guitar teacher. His first professional appearance was in a shared concert with his father when Pepe was only seven years old.

Featuring Pepe Romero, Eliot Fisk, Bill Kanengiser, Paul O’Dette, Hopkinson Smith, Martha Masters, Jason Vieaux, Ana Vidovic, Gyan Riley, Dominic Frasca, Bryce Dessner, and others! Our 3rd biannual Guitar Marathon at the 92nd Street Y’s Kaufman Auditorium is co-curated by Pepe Romero and the NYGF’s David Spelman. The guitar’s rich history in Spain will be explored, from renaissance, baroque, and classical repertoire to newly commissioned works. The event runs from 2—10pm, with a break at 5pm. “An epic event” is how the The Wall Street Journal classified our first Marathon, and Jazz Times called it “a veritable guitar orgy.”

My brother and I went to this condert today in the city. It really was great. Pepe Romero was the headliner at the show and for good reason, he is one of the best living classical guitarists. It was also great to see Bill Kanengiser who is a member of the Los Angeles Guitar Quartet (LAGQ) who I've seen at the 92nd st Y. He was also Ralph Machio's guitar coach and the guy who played in the movie "Crossroads" (yeah, I know, what movie?) He's a great guitarist too. This other guy played a baroque guitar (I know, why didn't he fix it if was baroque) We also saw Dominic Frasca who played a 10 string guitar and does all of this computer stuff with it too. He plays in his bare feet so he can manipulate a computer with his toes. On the link for his name, is a sample of some of his work. It was a good night, I'm staying in the city so I can go over to SK in the morning for fun and games but it's always nice to get out for a concert.